Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What happened to the good ole days… Like when Britney Spears would shave her head!

   Fantasy football is about as close as most men will ever get to being a professional athlete.

   Don't mess with Packer fans, it not nice to pick on retards!

   was so surprise when I was born that I didn't talk for a year and a half.

   got a Rolex for his birthday from the lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

   gettin by with a little help from my friends.

   If money could talk, it would say goodbye.

   took the road less traveled and now she's lost.

   tis' better to be pissed off than pissed on....

   loves humanity....it's people she can't stand.

   thinks that if you ever try and fail, you need to erase all evidence that you tried.

   ˙sƃuıɥʇ uo ǝʌıʇɔǝdsɹǝd ɹǝɥ ƃuıƃuɐɥɔ sı

   thinks if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.

   just stole this status from someone who stole it from someone else !!

   a pessimist is an experienced optimist.

   gonna write something funny but I cracked under pressure

   thinks red meat isn't bad for you, green furry meat is!

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.

   out back building a big helium balloon... Wanna go for a ride?

   out like the Red Sox! good night!