Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesn't have a problem with caffeine, I have a problem without it!

   just had my vision checked. My hindsight was 20/20. My foresight is legally blind

   The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music

   STOP TRYING TO TALK LIKE LIL WAYNE AND DRAKE RAP!!!! Youre all just making yourselves sound like illiterate retards. Youre not Lil wayne and your not Drake, so why dont you do what Drake says and DO YOU!!!!

   Thank you Gym for being like my Grandmother...Always there for me, even though I only visit you twice a year.

   once visited the Virgin Islands ... They are now called the Islands

   You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.

   going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

   with all due repect, its hard to believe in god when certain people have yet to be disentigrated by bolts of lightning

   give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, give a man a religeon, he'll starve to death praying for a fish

   thinks Falcon needs to have his dose of Ritilin increased.

   ...When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

   thinks employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

   gonna update this status, but I got high. I was gonna let you in on my life, but I got high. Now I'm behind the times, and I know why... hey eh, cuz I got high, cuz I got high, cuz I got high!

   the shadow on the moon at night, Filling your dreams to the brim with fright!

   This just in...BALLOON BOY IS SAFE! For all of his actions leading to safe recovery of the six year old, Obama has been awarded a 2nd Nobel Prize!

   thinks Marge Simpson's playboy spread was done very tastefully.

   hoping Marge Simpson poses for Hustler next.

   Halloween is coming… and you know what that means. An excuse for every girl to dress slutty and get away with it.

   it wrong that I find Home Alone the greatest movie of all time?