Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once had an awkward moment just to see how it felt

   Stuck on Band-Aid brand cause Band-Aid Stuck on me.

   that anyone caught taking a photo of themselves in a mirror, shall be slapped...

   has two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   wants to get on the wagon, but the 15 vodkas are making it mildly difficult!

   99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like Women.

   giving my liver a pat on the back, thanks for holding up this weekend

   saving the planet by tailgating his Silverado behind a Prius.

   ¡ɐɥɐɥ ˙snʇɐʇs uʍop ǝpısdn ʎɯ ʎq pǝʇɐuıɔsɐɟ ǝɹɐ noʎ ʇɐɥʇ ʇɔɐɟ ǝɥʇ uɐ

   "Almost" and the "same" are almost the same thing!

   you may have won this stare contest... SUN! But I'll definitely be triumphant tomorrow! ...now time for the moon

   says eat your school, stay in drugs, and don't do vegetables. :]

   about to try cruise control in reverse

   having a most excellent adventure with Bill and Ted

   sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

   gonna bring her girlfriend...........c you at the hotel room ;-)

   Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.

   When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that's mad.

   gonna give you to the count of ten to get your ugly, yellow, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead! ONE. TWO. TEN!

   used to play sports. Then he realized you can buy trophies. Now he's good at everything.