Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   puts the pro in procrastinate

   ust read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them.

   People say I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

   thinks her inner skinny girl was eaten by her inner fat girl....

   FACEBOOK..... YOU ARE NOT MY THERAPIST!!! DONT ASK ME WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE!

   perfected the art of making Ramen Noodles in the microwave!

   I'm booking a cruise ship for a trip from reality. I need a count. Who wants tickets?

   Well aware how much wood a woodchuck could chuck.

   Can't help but laugh at you when you have confederate flag on the back of your honda with a Connecticut license plate.

   One time my own father caught me watching a porno movie. The one thing you never wanna hear in that situation is, “son, move over.”

   Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people "the cops." But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

   Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a d*ck.

   Every eight minutes, someone has sex with an animal...and you wonder why they attack you.

   You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

   Midgets smell different things in crowded elevators.

   would like to inform facebook that it FAILS at "Change". 0bama could use the same advice too.

   laughs at people who put vague facebook statuses that are written to get comments. something like: “Yeah, alright!” – it's like they are writing “please ask me why I am happy”

   Knows you're getting old when you watch a porno and think "Oh that bed looks comfortable.".

   giving my liver a pat on the back for holding up this weekend

   gearing up for hot tub season!