Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last week,i did a bit of stand up at an old folks home. Tough crowd. They wouldn't answer my Knock-Knock jokes until I showed some I.D.

   just realized after a session of je...ummm...I mean after cleaning and then wiping the sweat off while catching my breath, that one forearm is quite bigger than the other one. I wonder if that is hereditary.

   building a weather balloon. But in my hoax, stay with me folks, I'll be using my imaginary transgendered hermaprodite pool boy, Joachim as the curious and missing victim. It's foolproof. There's no way this will go wrong.

   feeling warm all over. Now the part I hate, cleaning up.

   petrified and dismayed. Since when does the boogeyman where a cassock, a white collar and carry a book with a red ribbon marker?

   Excited to go see saw, but then we pasted the park and went to the movie theater.

   Went To The Library To Get A "Wheres Waldo" Book, But When I Got There I Couldn't Find It...Well Played, Wally. Well Played.

   thinks mother nature is bi-polar

   totally missing his Kindergarten days..... I had a nap in the middle of the day and a snack when I woke up just for being a good boy while sleeping. At work I get a written warning.

   puts the "fun" in dysfunctional

   wants you to tell your feet to stop running you through my mind

   says even though my cherries gone, I still have the box it came in! :)

   wondering, if a turtle had no shell, would it be homeless or naked?

   ..hates getting junk mail on how to enlarge my penis,especially since i'm a girl. But I have,however, forwarded them to my boss. Maybe that will cure the little pr*ck.

   "If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?"

   50 ways to leave your lover. Does one of them involve a chainsaw, garbage bag and an obscure cave in the mountains? Ok 51 ways!

   bringing sexy back. after a long court battle I got full custody

   looking for nudist beaches in Google Earth

   thinks it's wrong to tease a midget with learning difficulties.... It's not big and it's not clever

   27 Championships. Too bad the Yankees can't also buy the respect of players, owners, and fans of MLB.