Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Recession: when your neighbor loses his job. Depression: when you lose your job. Recovery: when Gordon Brown loses his job.

   JUST MADE A TEAR GAS FROM BAKED BEANS AND ONIONS..

   Today, while running on the treadmill at the gym, the girl next to me slipped and went flying back against the wall. Indecisive whether to get off and help her or to just keep going, I lost my focus and footing and flew next to her. FML

   wondering....Do the Fox sponsored "tea party" sheeple understand why we all laugh at them when they call themselves the "teabagers"?

   says that when I asked my wife why she needed to buy so many shoes, she pointed out to me that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!..

   5lb cell phone, 10lb gold chain & 120lb boom box...no wonder 80's kids now have back problems.

   to advertise in this space please call 0800 334 443

   I was shopping with my little niece. She asked if we could go to McDonalds. I joked "If you can spell it,we will go there." She then replied "Nevermind. Let's go to KFC instead."

   I'm like a rubix cube the more you play with me the harder I get!!

   now currently accepting resumes for a Full and/or Part time girlfriend. All applicants may apply within. You will be contacted with a call back if you meet the appropriate requirements. Thank you

   Exercise programme: Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar.Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Voila. Aerobix.

   ate Humpty Dumpty for breakfast and ain't nothing that the King's men can do about it!

   excited when her friend asked her to come and see saw, then dismayed when we drove straight past the playground and arrived at the cinema...

   May Army Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan ROT IN HELL!!! What is wrong with this world...It is a sad, sad day for Ft. Hood , TX ... thoughts and prayers go out to all the innocent people that lives were lost and forever changed by the events of someone they trusted

   just realized there's a website that you can search for all the sex offenders that live within 25 miles of your zip code, check it out!! www.eharmony.com

   was in Wal-mart today. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.

   just want to point out to you all that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!..just saying...

   Kobe Bryant played last night for the Lakers against despite flu like symptoms. Apparently neither team was worried about H1N1 - it's Kobe, he never passes anything.

   planning his life #1 get married #2 get a house #3 have a baby #4 Sell baby for dream car #5 have another baby

   ..just watched a DVD that was 3.142 stars out of 5. It was a pi rated movie.