Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can hit the snooze button, with eyes closed, while half asleep, in 1.7 seconds, the first try, every time

   in the jungle baby! and gunna dieee!

   can't help falling in love with you... maybe electroshock therapy will do the trick...

   loves that you are nonodys friend until facebook tell you that you are.

   BREAKING NEWS: Barack Obama knocked down by reversing car. The American people are asking the driver to come forward.

   I have two nipples, and I aint sharing either one of 'em.

   A survey taken showed that 50% of people described sex as a "deep,meaningful,soul-bonding act of showing eternal love to your partner". The other 50% were men.

   ..really hates her boss. When I showed up 2 hours late,he shouted at me. I told him I had fallen down the stairs . He said "So? That doesn't take two hours!!"

   in Napa Valley looking for wine, but should be in the midwest, talking to Repubicans cause no one whines line a Repubilcan.

   I didn't hit you....I simply high fived your face

   wondering why the police officers never seem to think it's as funny as you do...

   "having a smoking section in a restaurant should b like having a peeing section in a swimming pool......." right??

   I wore a Michael Vick jersey to the dogpark. Yea, I'm a badass. What.

   I drank so much vodka last night that my liver is giving me the finger!

   wondering...Do you think stores would open another resister if I brought a flame thrower in with me? I f****n hate to wait!!!!

   Don't wait for the perfect moment...Take the moment and make it perfect...

   says, Love your enemies. It will confuse them!..

   believes in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it..

   wants to do something different today so is thinking about sitting on the TV to watch the sofa!!!..=D

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