Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Leave Me Alone! I Am Not Being Rude, It's Just That You Are Insignificant

   thinks that We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.

   planning to hire a singing fat lady and take her to work, just in case someone says his tasks ain't over yet

   Whats the difference between a wife and a prostitute? One's on contract,the other's pay-as-you-go.

   ..is sleeping naked. I just wish that stewardess would go away. I don't care if there are children on this plane!

   Going to walmart with some friends of mine. Thats the best place to play hide-n-seek.

   if I stand on my tip-toes, I can see the weekend from here!

   in a personal vacation inside my head

   eat, drink and make merry coz tomorrow we may diet.

   Today, I told my friends I had been hiding something that I wanted to come clean on. My one friend responds by saying, "FINALLY you come out of the closet. It's about time." I'm not gay. I was just going to tell them my parents were getting a divorce. FML

   Heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive.

   Life aint nothing but a hide and go seek with death!!

   used to be legit. He was too legit. He was too legit to quit... but now he's not legit. He's unlegit. And for that reason, he must quit.

   Forget a "dislike" button , id rather have a "This makes me want to punch you in the freakin throat" button

   When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   Anyone caught singing Christmas carols between now and Thanksgiving will be slapped.

   _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡

   Why is it that Volvic Mineral Water, which has been filtered through volcanic rock for millions of years, has a Best Before date?

   wondering who was the first to look at a cow and think;"ill just squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out of it!"

   had a handle on life, but it fell off with the wheel