Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   instant superhero, just add alcohol

   money may not bring her happiness. But she'd rather cry in a Mercedes than in a bus.

   Know what I love about my dogs? I can lock 'em in the trunk of my car for an hour, and when I open it, they're excited to see me. Can't do that with a wife...

   happier than Adam Lambert being dragged backwards through a cornfield

   If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

   I was going to ask my wife for her honest view on sexist jokes..she was too busy cooking though.

   Why are women like clouds ? Because when they **** off its usually a nice day

   Female Black Widow spiders kill and eat their mate after mating...ya know, I think those bugs are really on to something! :)

   If there were no such things as bears,what kind of hugs would we give?

   has decided to unleash years of ninja training on the world =.= OR I'm just gonna eat supper and go to bed....hmmmm....well I guess the world is safe for another day

   everybody could learn a lesson from the weather.. It pays no attention to criticism

   Daaaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home..

   still confused after one of the presenters on Children in Need said, "pick up your phone and pledge". I'm still sitting here with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other, wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do next.

   Russia declared Wednesday a National Day of Conception to stimulate the birth rate. Any couple who gives birth nine months form now will win money and prizes. This is what countries without a Mexican border have to do to increase their population.

   Taylor Swift wins over MICHAEL JACKSON?!? Where the heck is Kanye when you need him!

   thinking the shortest book ever written was called negroes I have gone yachting with

   thinks my family is afraid of me cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I overheard them setting speed dials for the fire department, poison control...and the bomb squad...

   Whenever I date a woman, I think to myself, "Is this a woman that I want my children to spend every other weekend with?

   If you try to fail and succeed which have you done?

   When she came home I had laid a trail of roses to the bedroom...I had candles lit everywhere, jazz playing in the background and wine chilling with me waiting for her in my robe...now the next thing I need to do is introduce myself......