SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   A woman gave birth shortly after finishing the Chicago Marathon on Sunday. And that's why I don't jog.

   This laundry detergent says I get 20oz free, but the cashier says I still have to buy the whole bottle. :(

   Just because your neighbors aren't on vacation doesn't mean you still can't go through their mail.

   The radio... making car rides less awkward since 1927.

   To all who lose constantly, never knowing victory, never experiencing a win. You are the champion of that.

   "Our instruments can make sounds!" --all sh!tty indie rock bands.

   Ever want to click on someones status and edit it for them?

   It's time to stop making the same old mistakes in your life. Get creative. Make some new ones.

   In the absence of information, people make sh!t up. Worse, if they feel threatened, they make sh!t up that amplifies their worst fears.

   Paperclip: The staple for people with commitment issues.

   You better hope my wildest dreams don't come true.

   Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.

   The worst thing that can ever happen to a hangover is a call from your mother.

   I believe an increase in the availability of jeans with elastic waist bands would boost America's morale immeasurably.

   I've stipulated to be laying on my side during my open casket funeral so it's convenient for anyone who wants to spoon me for the last time.

   They say to call your doctor if you've had an erection from these pills for more than four hours... but what if your doctor is ugly?

   If any kids come to my house this year dressed as Charlie Sheen or Zombie Amy Winehouse, they're getting punched in the face.

   When someone asks "Know what I'm sayin'?" simply recall the thing they JUST SAID & you can "know what they're sayin'."

   If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.

   My generosity has such underlying desperation.