Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I make them say ahh, just like I'm your doctor.....All I prescribe is cranberry and vodka

   eff you Martha Stewart, and your sanctimonious Everyday Food magazine too! Easy to make cookies my ass!

   Whoever decided that a one inch Mars bar should be called 'fun size' needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment.

   n't it annoying when you accidentally drop something like a bread crumb into your keyboard and you have to get ighhghghghghhghghbhbhghgbhbhbggggggggggggh

   Why is it that when I talk to God I am said to be praying, but when God talks to me I am said to be schizophrenic?

   it's one thing for Tiger to promote Nike and the slogan "just do it," but it's another thing to live by it.

   I have found that if you love life... life will love you back

   puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again.

   got a sweater for Christmas ... he really wanted a moaner or a screamer 

   pu ton your yalmulka, here comes hanukkah, it's so funukkah to celebrate hanukkah!

   wishes the government would take pennies out of circulation already. Giving you my 2 cents everytime you've said or done something stupid has left me broke. Glad you're rich though.

   Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

   reportedly "in a relationship" with tiger woods.......

   Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against tables,chairs,etc).

   just bought a new game for my x box, its about a black man who drives around crashing cars sleeping with hoes and fighting with people, its called tiger woods PGA tour 2010

   Why is it you can smoke in a tobacco store, but can't drink in a liquor store?

   and they all laughed at my snuggie! who's the cold fool now?

   Dear Winter, I think we should spend some time apart... I'm gonna try to work things out with my ex, Summer...

   enough about Tiger Woods already!!! who cares he cheated on his wife. Cheating goes on everywhere!!!! who else is tired about hearing of it? Letterman didnt even get this kind of coverage when he did it.

   Why would a girl wanna be a Barbie? Barbie's are fake and dumb, yes DUMB. I'll take a natural woman any day thank you.