Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering if unemployment will be sending me a christmas bonus?

   “There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them

   Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist exchange places

   What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

   Brad Pitt once asked me out. I was in his room.

   Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

   If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

   I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

   You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

   Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.

   more then a lil surprise Mark Ingram won the Heisman Trophy, I thought Obama had it in da bag?!?!?

   I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

   who had the bright idea of putting an "s" in the word lisp?

   What is a horse shoe? What does a horse shoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?

   hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words

   If a mute kid swears,does his mother wash his hands out with soap?

   Yesterday, citizens of Norway woke up to a weird blue light in the sky, which the Russian Defense Ministry later claimed was due to a failed missle test. Thank goodness. I was worried it was a UFO. It's nice to know it's just a renegade Russian missle.

   What I don't get is how paper beats a rock. It should be changed to Rock, Bomb With A Cuttable Fuse, Scissors.

   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?