Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Christmas Card $3.00 Brand new "Shrek" dvd $20.00 Gift wrap $2.00 The look of disappointment in a childs face when you tell them santa isn't real - PRICELESS !!!

   note to self: they all look the same when the lights are out,

   No outfit is complete without a few dog hairs :)

   I have kleptomania. But when it get's bad,i take something for it.

   OFFICE MEMO: Mrs. Waite is doing all my work today. If you're in a rush for it,go to Helen Waite

   Sam Adams Triple Bock.....14% alcohol? Seriously? One of these is like 3.5 Coronas! .......Danger Will Robinson!

   Walked by A Maternity Clothes Store today and there was a "Please Come Inside" sign on the door. Duh, Why do you think they need Maternity Clothes

   Life is like roller coster indeed, and i'm about to throw up..*woakh*

   knows a lot of people that will corner the market on coal this Christmas

   - Strengthen your memory. Lie more.

   has never been good with foreign languages. He just tried to wish someone a happy birthday in Spanish, and what he wound up saying was, "The hooker chews on poisoned lugnuts."

   just met a lot of people who will corner the market on coal this Christmas.

   also slept with Tiger Woods.

   disappointed that all libraries don't carry free adderall

   Every womans' dream is a nice big wedding. Every mans' nightmare is a nice big wedding

   Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.

   Joe Dirt says 'Lifes a garden Dig It' I say 'life is NOT a garden so stop being a hoe!'

   Tiger woods just changed his Relationship to: "it's Complicated

   Have you ever looked at other people and think to yourself "I'm just better than you"......welcome to my life

   How about those White House crashers? The other day they also crashed the Black Caucus, and if you've seen then, you know that's quite a trick.