Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   would describe himself in 3 words........moody,annoying,awesome......(the first 2 are what my wife said when I asked her).

   first a man, then I was a dragon-man, then I was just a dragon. TROOOGGGDDDOOORRR!!!

   a man walks up to his wife with a sheep under his arm, and says.. this is the pig I sleep with when you have a headach... confused, the wife says... thats not a pig under your arm?? I wasnt talking to u, replys the man

   Michael jackson hasnt been this stiff since Mucully Culkin spent the night at Neverland ranch..

   If I flip this coin, what are my chances of getting head

   not all women are annoying,,, some are dead

   How did they know kurt cobain had dandruff... they found his head and shoulders on the floor;)

   about the time we make ends meet, someone moves the ends.

   No one needs a vacation more than the person who just had one.

   "This dog,is dog,a dog,good dog,way dog,to dog,keep dog,an dog,idiot dog,busy dog,for dog,20 dog,seconds dog," Now read without the word (dog)

   why is that everything is the same day by day, but in 5 years everything is so different?

   thinking the perfect holiday date for me this year has WELL HUNG stockings, a mistletoe belt buckle, nice christmas balls and NUMBA 1 SPOT on the naughty list.

   thinks that friends are the most important part of your life. Treasure the tears, treasure the laughter, but most importantly, treasure the memories

   thinks it's often easier to ask for forgiveness, than to ask for permission..

   just because everything's different, doesn't mean anything's changed..!!!

   ALCOHOL- Helping the beautiful horny people finding then waking up to ugly people since 33'.

   wants to do it like they do on the discovery channel

   Dear Santa: How much for your list with all the naughty girls on it?

   remembers a time when 'Binge Drinking' was simply called 'Getting Pissed'

   taken by elves and is now fighting the forces of healthy produce with my lollipop of justice Ahhhhhhhh! A broccoli with problems is in the area I repeat a broccoli with problems is in the area please quickly run for cover!