Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   MISSING: Sultry dark haired nymphomaniac. Likes 2 have hair pulled & be tied up. Please return immediately as she may be dangerous! I am a trained professional

   this monkeys wings aren't real!!! That guy screwed me, these aren't flying monkeys at all!!!!

   2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout "air in the hands mother stickers this is a f**k up

   Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

   Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings….'

   watching p0rn and eating doritos !

   If I call you a "HO" these final days of 2009, it's only for the holiday purposes... *smirks*

   hates Know-It-Alls, because if you really knew it all, you would know I think you a shmuck!

   Wants Santa to bring me one of the hot girls thats on his naughty list

   wondering why iceland is green and greenland is ice? Silly Vikings!

   about to put a broom stick in your turd cutter

   Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

   found a midget nest today! I am taking the egg home for further study.

   Tresspassers will be shot. Survivors will be prosecuted.

   An ideal mind is a devil's workshop...mine is a warehouse!

   happy and he knows it...but refuses to clap his hands or stomp his feet.

   thinks a foolish husband gives his wife an old piano. A wise husband gives her an upright organ!

   considering taking out a loan and purchasing a yacht so I can decrease my deficit *Universal Health Care Bill logic*

   santaclaustrophobia.

   says The worst feeling you'll ever feel is sitting next to the person who means the world to you knowing that you mean nothing to them ... But it cheers you up when you let off a nice silent one and walk away........