Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders if Conan O'Brien feels like the red headed step child of NBC? .....oh wait, he does have red hair!

   "A lion attacks a bull of eats him in just a few minutes.When he is done he lets out a loud roar.while he is roaring a hunter comes and shoots the lion killing him instatly.Moral of the story:when you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut!!

   Winter always reminds to think ahead for the springtime...meaning...gotta find somewhere to hide the bodies when the snow thaws.......

   Dont think he gonna watch the african nations cup... 347 shots and only 3 on target..?

   you are part of my 99 problems.

   Can Kill Two Stones With One Bird.

   If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did

   A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it

   Has a huge Migraine.... I think this is gods way of saying quit laughing at Hellen Keller Jokes.

   just because I busted a nut it doesn't mean you made me cum

   thinks a balanced meal is chocolate in both hands

   I swear am going to climb my neighbours fence, steal his fu*king barking a*s dog, put it in my yard and see how he likes to be kept awake all night long.

   Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I'm bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please

   Wearin glasses does'nt mean ur smart, it jus means you cant see...

   Costco: Go hungry leave happy

   Two wrongs doesnt make a right...but three rights make a left.

   FOR SALE: straw house and stick house. Both in need of renovation. Apply brick house. No wolves.....

   wonders why does his wife insist on watching shows in standard def when we have the high def equivilent on our cable system?

   While Simon Cowell was in Los Angeles for "American Idol," his home in London was robbed. Police say it was the work of professional thieves. Cowel described the thieves as "amateurish and uninspired."

   The probability of the bread falling buttered side down is directly proportional to the price of the carpet.