Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The U.S. is always helping out other countries in their time of need, well I think its safe to say that the U.S. needs help....were's our relief funds?!

   ESPN has announced that they are launching a 3D sports network. Industry analysts say this will absolutely revolutionize the way Americans don't watch soccer.

   Joan rivers was reportedly very angry the other day because she was prevented from entering the country by airline security. Man, you should have seen the face she wanted to make.

   Two doctors are talking, one asks the other one "Can I borrow your Dictaphone" the other replied "No, you have to use your finger like everyone else!"

   "This page intentionally left blank" -phone bill, page 56

   just ate a Beefy 5 Layer Burrito at Taco Bell for lunch. A guy that works there gives them to me for $0.89 each. He must like me or something.

   Wants to help Haiiti since they helped us out so much during Katrina

   only took steroids for health purposes.

   if I can't be skinny....then please make all my friends fat!!

   for my next magic trick, I need a condom and a volunteer.

   stuck on band aids because band aids stick on me.

   I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul

   not having any fun unless he is doing something immoral, illegal, dangerous, or fattening.

   wondering when the hell did he become a morning person

   Finally warm enough to wash Old Man winters "money shot" off my car.

   a 77 year old Miami man dies of hypothermia for the first time ever. UPDATE: 1 million senior citizens piled up on rafts floating to Cuba .

   Booze in the answer... dont remember the question

   ♬ ♫ ♪ ılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılı ♪ ♫ ♬

   can't stop sneezing because I'm allergic to your BS....

   HAPPY his cell phone contract will be over on Dec. 21st 2012..... I'm keeping that date open on my Mayan Calender to do some phone shopping....