Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   preshents to you the ballishtic missile shubmarine Red October

   The difference between women and girls are the price of their boy toys.

   on Team Conan.

   Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then

   The price of Voodoo has just gone up.

   why does snoop dogg carry around an umbrella... --fo drizzle!

   two cannibals are eating a clown...one says, does this taste funny to you???

   what do you tell a woman who has two black eyes... nothing you've already told her twice!

   decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, and gyrated for over an hour. Unfortunately, by the time I got the leotard ON, the class was over.

   For now on I'll have to make sure the bottle of KY jelly and the bottle of superglue are properly labeled. Man was that painfully awkward.

   hates men that treat every woman with Bipolar, Stop being an a**hole in a crowd and being nice when you two are alone, just stop being a c*ck and tell her what you really want!"

   if you are over weight and have trouble going up stairs, put a biscuit on each step....

   Mike Ahern took a viagra (it got got stuck in his neck now he has a stiff neck,) licked a smurf, ran over his cell phone in the dining room, talked to a banana and karate chopped his dog in the elevator. It's gonna be a looong day

   just discovered kittens DO NOT have removable parts..(if you do detach portions of your kitten you MUST replace the WHOLE kitten)....

   wonders why we dont have names for earthquakes

   thanks for being a sperm donor, deadbeat!

   wondering if maybe this planet is the dumping ground for all the other planets rif-raf.... celestial hell, if you would....kinda like Detroit is to us.

   Says she disagree with Kay Jewelers. She would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with alcohol than Kay.

   Its funny how Listen and Silent are spelled with the same letters.

   One thing I've learned: I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will be misquoted, then used against me.