Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the batteries in our T.V remote are dead … Why do we keep pushing the button until our fingers hurt ?

   Don't approach a goat from the front, a horse from the back, or a schizophrenic from behind a mirror.

   I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

   Out of all your lies I love you was my favorite.

   wants you to know that if a jelly fish ever stung you, I'd pee on you!

   it takes a lot of balls to golf like I do

   so poor I am having to layway my drugs and beer... 90 days from todays date the party is on!!!!

   wishing I could hit CTL ± ALT ± DEL ± and start today all over!!!

   ...wanted to buy some goose feathers but couldn't afford the down payment..

   never realized why no one likes Val Kilmer... But I just realized.... You killed GOOSE... YOU B*STARD!

   Wrinkles are hereditary. Mothers and fathers get them from their children.

   ..doesn't go looking for trouble. She knows exactly where to find it!

   jaegermeister: its like running down the stairs on Xmas morning and then realizing your Jewish.

   ..i had lunch with a chess player today. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

   I'm gonna get a #2 tattooed on my back... just so the person behind me knows what position their in !!!

   To all of you who keep calling me Fat, Just Piss off, Iv got Enough on my Plate..

   i wasnt born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel

   wants to know how we manage to raise millions to help people in a country none of us have ever been to, but can't help our own poor and homeless.

   wondering, if chickens don't have fingers, how come they sell them in resturants??

   I wouldn't mind public transportation if it wasn't for the public.