Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I only drink to make other people seem interesting.

   Believe nothing of what you hear, and only half of what you see.

   There is nothing sadder in this life than to watch someone you love walk away after they have left you. To watch the distance between your two bodies expand until there is nothing left but empty space and silence

   to honor MLK's memory, how about a day OF work for everybody this year?

   For Sale: Lots of snow, you Haul!!!

   Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?? I put in a bid for a "Mickey Mouse outfit" and now it seems I am only 15 minutes away from owning the "Dallas Cowboys Football Team"..

   Fire them...all of them! It's time to make a change Jerry...

   It must be so easy to be an NFL quarterback. Especially if you have a helmet with a star on it. All you have to do is dance around a little, fall down as soon as someone gets near you, then collect your millions.

   Did you hear that there's a "no fly" zone over San Diego on Sunday...... a huge lightning storm is coming....... grounding all "Jets"......GO BOLTS!!!

   And what if we all proceeded to a total destructuring of a paradoxical, macropterous relentlessly terrigenous abiotrophy using the timeless quadriform viewpoint of continuous kleptomania antisepsis?

   it was all good just a week ago.

   accidentally gave himself a "Dutch Oven".

   I don't have a short attention span...................Ooo Shiny!!

   not going to college...shes becoming a Burrito Taster!

   wondering if there is such a thing called the "WHINE" flu... If so I am pretty sure my kids have it

   glitter is the herpes of the arts and crafts world! You just can`t get rid of it once its on you

   loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.

   If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, cheap, and easy.

   thinks that now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.

   Dear Santa: I would like a bailout and a bonus. I have been really bad this year and therefore I deserve it.