Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the guy who said women are bad at maths, missed out that they also divide the number of people that the slept with by 3!

   If 4 out of 5 people suffer with diarrhea,does that one person enjoy it?

   can't understand you.... I don't speak fluent bullsh!t

   Nothing in life is free.... Someone always pays!

   wondering when a Jehovah Witness dies and gets to Heaven if God hides behind the Pearly Gate and pretends he's not in?

   Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend

   reading this sign outside my office: "In case of fire, don't use elevators." Duh! Water works a lot better!

   What a night...can't remember a thing...why is there waffle house syrup in the bed..the lingerie hanging from the chandelier is hot! but, umm, where are the girls? were there....any...girls here last night????

   Let me just take care of all of this reposting I have to do at once? My life is wonderful, I hate cancer, I donated to Haiti, I support our troops, I love my Mom,I`m from Everett,Hugs and smiles to to you,I won`t join your farmville, I won`t be answering

   's Mommy's alright, Daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird. Surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away.

   Trying to quit smoking. By the way.. Apologies go out to the mormon missionary eating the junior mint..I tried to tell you..I don't do mormon but menthol is my brand...I hope your recovery goes quickly.

   looking for a leprechaun. I've already shook down all the midgets and short people I know. Guess it takes a real leprechaun to get to that pot of gold.

   Who in the heck thought it was a good idea to pull a foot off a rabbit and use it as a lucky charm? If it wasn't lucky for the rabbit why would it be lucky for me??

   The chinese have a serious translation problem. For instance, a translator would have been a good idea when they put "poo poo platters" on their menus....

   if you are over weight and have trouble going up stairs, put a biscuit on each step!!

   Who does everyone listen to and no one believe? The weatherman.

   A Bachelor is one who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.

   dyslexics UNTIE!

   My favorite character on Spongebob Squarepants in the guys that yells "MY LEG!"

   The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1.