Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If dinosaurs no longer exist... then why the hell is barney still alive?"

   Parenting Tip of the Day: DON'T HIT KIDS!!! No...Seriously....They have guns now!

   I got an e-mail from a woman that read, "I need you to come plow my field.... squeeze my melons.... touch my yams...and play with my peach!" I was getting ALL excited until I realized it was just an invitation to play Farmville...WTF!

   committed to TWAT. (The War Against Terrorism)

   Stay warm people. It's supposed to be "R. KELLY" cold out there this weekend. And by that I mean "IN THE TEENS."

   Misspellings suck. Sent an e-mail to my mom telling her I was bbq'ing and gonna have fun this weekend with my "cook" out. I misspelled "cook"...And...Well...Now my mom thinks I'm a perv too.

   You'd think after the 37th take, the director would have realized I was messing up the love scene on purpose. Hey, times are hard. I'll take it where I can get it these days.

   When giving that special person a gift you said cost $3,000 from Tiffanys, it's probably a good idea to take off the price tag that says $3.50 from Walmart.

   used to be a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sun light

   Tip 4 Ladies: Please stop asking us questions like, "Do these jeans make me look fat?" Because the answer will be NO. It's NOT the jeans making you look fat. It's all the meat UNDER the jeans that's making you look fat

   watching Bear Grylls to get new ideas for my grocery list.

   I must be the only person that didn't like Avatar. I fell asleep an hour into it. I mean seriously, if I wanted to see a love story I would have rented "The Notebook" then promptly shot myself in the face.

   So I found out why you shouldn't drink before going to work-out. Let's just say no one at the gym will be asking me to spot them anymore....ooops!

   Travel Tip: When passing through a bad part of town, and the locals ask what hood you represent, it's probably not a good idea to yell out "FARMVILLE BIIAAATCH," and then start "crop" walkin' to your car.

   I think this dude was hitting on me while I was playing basketball today. He runs over to me, smacks me on the a$$ and says, "Nice shot bro!" Which wouldn't be so bad but I hadn't even put my shoes on yet let alone taken a shot.

   I think the dentist is mad at me. She came back into the office and was like, "I know I said get comfortable, but I'm gonna need you to put your pants back on." Well I'm gonna need you to be a bit more specific next time!

   You know it's a lazy morning when you start to contemplate how coffee would taste if you skipped the brewing process and just ate it straight out of the can like Fun Dip.

   sn't gonna buy the new i-pad......I hear next years version is coming with wings....I can wait! :-)

   Hard work never killed anyone but i'm hoping my boss will be the first.

   I'm as nervous as a postman at a dog show.