Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   got a compliment from the lady at the bank this morning- she said I had an OUTSTANDING balance!!

   Broom for sale...needs new motor from overuse. Switching to magic carpet...more comfortable.

   going to let you be the judge...and I'm the case

   70% of my life is composed of Work and 40% learning proper mathematics.

   pink eye... I knew it was a bad idea to wear ur undies on my head

   even though it's so wrong, no one else can do you so right

   you can't expect dumb people to do smart things

   n't air travel wonderful? Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil..

   ipad? now that apple is making femine products, i'm holding out for the ipon...

   If dinosaurs no longer exist... then why the hell is barney still alive?"

   Parenting Tip of the Day: DON'T HIT KIDS!!! No...Seriously....They have guns now!

   I got an e-mail from a woman that read, "I need you to come plow my field.... squeeze my melons.... touch my yams...and play with my peach!" I was getting ALL excited until I realized it was just an invitation to play Farmville...WTF!

   committed to TWAT. (The War Against Terrorism)

   Stay warm people. It's supposed to be "R. KELLY" cold out there this weekend. And by that I mean "IN THE TEENS."

   Misspellings suck. Sent an e-mail to my mom telling her I was bbq'ing and gonna have fun this weekend with my "cook" out. I misspelled "cook"...And...Well...Now my mom thinks I'm a perv too.

   You'd think after the 37th take, the director would have realized I was messing up the love scene on purpose. Hey, times are hard. I'll take it where I can get it these days.

   When giving that special person a gift you said cost $3,000 from Tiffanys, it's probably a good idea to take off the price tag that says $3.50 from Walmart.

   used to be a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sun light

   Tip 4 Ladies: Please stop asking us questions like, "Do these jeans make me look fat?" Because the answer will be NO. It's NOT the jeans making you look fat. It's all the meat UNDER the jeans that's making you look fat

   watching Bear Grylls to get new ideas for my grocery list.