Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands

   When setting the table, does the remote control go to the left, to the right or over the dinner plate?

   This "fancy" wine rack I got for Christmas is total crap. NONE of these boxes fit at all

   Just read the thermo stat and it read "Stay in the f*cking house"

   Did you hear about the priest with a lisp? he tried logging on to Faithbook

   when you go to a Star Wars convention, the odds of getting a girl are good. But the goods are odd...

   Double stuffed- chocolate cream filled oreos? I think someone at Nabisco has been reading my diary!!

   trying to figure out how to use the three seashells.

   I went to the bookshop and asked "How much are your "For Dummies" books?" The guy replied "How much ya got?"

   To err is divine. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.

   Woke up feeling mean...the go and rent a ice cream truck, turn the music full blast and park it outside a weightwatchers meeting mean.

   I feel bad for people that don't drink, because when they get up in the morning that is as good as you are going to feel all day!!

   when life gives you a hundred reasons to cry,show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile!!

   if men had periods they would brag about the size of there tampons!!!

   s standing at the entrance of weight watchers eating A bucket of kfc, ha ha, how cruel am I :-)

   I wonder that when a bird gets a blow to the head,does it see a circle of flying humans?

   Why does a talk show host have an interview with another talk show host; to talk about another talk show host? (Oprah, Leno, Conan)

   Yesterday was Mozart's birthday. The Austrian people are always trumpeting the fact that Mozart is from there. I think it's meant to take your mind off any other very famous Austrians.

   men are the head of the household and women should realize it.Men rule the house! Now if you'll excuse me, I got to go to the store and get my wife some tampons like she asked me or she's going to get angry.

   What do you call a man with a spade in his head? You call him an ambulance, obviously.