Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thankful for friends whom willingly travel to the ends of the earth to search for the plot that he/she managed to lose; and yet be gracious enough not to cast judgement on its condition when they find it.

   My dad called Justin Bieber a tool. My life is complete.

   Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

   For all you with "it's complicated" as your status, FB has a new, more truthful option. Because what you really want to say is, "In a relationship, until something better comes along, which shouldn't be too long cuz this dude is on my LAST friggin nerve!

   Of course,men can multitask. They read on the toilet.

   throwing skittles at people and yelling "TASTE THE FLIPPIN RAINBOW''

   just mugged a florist....that guy's lookin' like a fool with his plants on the ground....

   used to be famous, but moved away and changed her name because she had too many fans.

   Guess all those years of phone sex have caught up with me I have hearing aids

   Ok... Apparently its illegal to paint yourself blue and run around in the big leafy plant section at Walmart's and shout "Neytiri... I want you!"

   If love is a game..where can I buy the multiplayer-version?

   A friend of mine once commented that huamns are the only species to go out of our way to obtain milk after we've been weaned, I replied that we were the only species with cookies.

   I love your approach. Now let's see about your departure.

   annoyed that these guys like Clooney, Cruise, and DeNiro are all picking me as their celebrity look-alike. Get a life losers.

   I hate being bi-polar. It's awesome.

   If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.

   Would if he could: Change his relationship status to "Pimpin'...and it's complicated"

   She's somewhat of a mixture between a chickenhead and a swallow

   thinks that a decapitated Frog looks hotter than the Jonas Brothers

   welcome to britain, where men are men and women are slags!