Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   beer may not be the answer but it helps you forget the question

   I thought I loved her. Then I went to to strip joint. I never returned home.

   The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

   Guys are like a snow storm, you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.

   Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

   If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

   wishes the world was her own personal globe, one good spin and "certain people" would fall off!!!

   Hopes that the "band" Owl-City are driving around in a recalled Toyota.

   I'm not a nag. I'm a motivational speaker.

   thinking she got sick from reading all those statuses of others being sick, next time please cover your statuses when you write...Thank you

   heard the Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter so fast that it can actually photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

   I'm not good in relationships.My last relationship ended when I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam up to the surface.

   wished I could teach you.... but you cant teach "awesomeness," so just hang out in the back and watch me work!

   Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

   born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

   I like escalators because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You'll never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize that you can still...get up there.

   Joe Biden saw his shadow today. Looks like at least six more weeks of healthcare arguments and accusations.

   thinks that earthquakes might get the wrong impression by us scoring them. Perhaps our invention of the Richter scale has insited them to try harder for a perfect 10!