Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot

   Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

   Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told she looked cool.

   You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on

   Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner.

   You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

   "Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality."

   "I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."

   No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

   The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity.

   Books, like friends, should be few, and well chosen.

   just read an article on heavy drinking and it scared the sh*t out of me! So thats it!! After today no more f*cking reading!!

   If they can send one man to the moon why can't they send them all?

   The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege

   I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons

   "Some people say that one's personality is reflected off of their car... Well, I have no car."

   lets flip a coin....heads I get tail and tails I get head!!

   the groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, did NOT see his shadow, meaning six more weeks of winter. In related news, George W. Bush was spotted blotting out the sun over North America this morning.....I'm sure he'll catch the blame, regardless.

   I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, "Did you know it's time for your annual check-up?" No, but now my mailman does.

   saw a girl with a sweatshirt that said Abercrombie and Fitch. So I introduced myself..apparently that was not the names of her breasts..OUCH!!