Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   good girls go to heaven , Bad girls go everywhere!

   I am cornhoolio, I make peepee from my bunghole

   bubblewrap under his bedsheets, so during the "Heat of Passion" it sounds like FIREWORKS going off!

   Most folks are carbon copies of their indoctrination, education, organized religion and politically correct propaganda. Some of us "Independent Thinkers" walk our own unique path of discovery, simultaneously emanating a vibration to source and truth.

   your just pissed because its NOT ILLEGAL TO BE WHITE...YET

   What do you call an Ethiopian with a feather up his ass? A dart.

   What do you get when you cross a retard with a gang banger? Someone who spray paints on a chain link fence.

   As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

   Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?

   Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work

   The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house

   In a recent survey into blow jobs, and why men like them so much 6% liked the feeling, 12% liked the excitement and 82% just like the peace and quiet.

   If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button

   Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enoug

   Constipated People Don't Give A crap

   Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

   Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering

   Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom

   What I learned from the Grammys: Lady Gaga STILL terrifies me, Beyonce apparently has seizures while performing, p!nk looked like a slutty nun who wet herself, Taylor Swift has some VERY adult teeth in her teen-aged mouth, & Lil Wayne was lookin like a fo