Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Know your limitations people! Just because the item says "one size fits all" doesn't mean you should try to fit your big a$$ in to it....just sayin'

   I'm just trying to help everyone with the hacker post. I had a guy named Phua Soon Hock trying to hack me!

   Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.

   ..thinks you look fabulous! Who did it and how much?

   a cookbook is like a Danielle Steele novel for chubby girls....

   putting his left foot in and taking his left foot out - but he is NOT doing the hokie pokie, he's killing roaches...

   lives with fear everyday. Sometimes she lets him go fishing....

   wakes up grumpy, but most days he just lets her sleep....

   You've heard of the "Soup Natzi"?.....But have you heard of the "FACEBOOK NATZI"? If you've ever had to delete a comment....you have! No more FACEBOOK FOR YOU!

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see the Jersey Shore cast crossing the street, HIT THE GAS! **DISCLAIMER** IF YOU ARE THE OWNER OF A TOYOTA IT IS NOT RECOMMENDED THAT YOU HIT THE GAS. DOING

   we always knew who the fat parents were picking up in elementary school

   can never be accused of being "high maintenance". Whatever you are cooking for breakfast is fine with him. Just make it snappy, okay? Let's go! Chop Chop!

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see the Jersey Shore cast crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!

   red meat is not bad for you. Green furry meat is....

   spraying aerosol cans in an effort to speed up this so called global warming.

   finally found out what a 'Snooki' is. I thought it was some great, new dessert everyone was talking about. To my disappointment, it's girl who looks like she's had way too many desserts.

   was witness a Toyota Prius that had a malfunction accelerator. For a Prius it was flying. It had to be going at least 49 mph.

   heard charges were pressed against James Ray. I bet he's sweating now.

   It is scientifically proven that a woman can be satisfied with only 8.5 cm. - and it doesn't matter if the card is Visa or Mastercard...

   doesn't think you should put the pedal to the medal in that Toyota.