Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   had a flying dream last night!  It was awesome, I felt just like a bird so I pooped on someone's car!

   You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

   Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

   I'd like to see things your way, but I'm not sure if I can stick my head that far up my a** !!!.

   How can I explain Your love And how it turns my world up side down

   Life isn't a garden...so stop being a hoe!

   Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so are you, but the roses are wilting, the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head

   wondering why noses run and feet smell

   It's not an official disaster until Bono sings about it.

   FINALLY... I have a date for tomorrow .... and she is so smoking HOT .... she is my GAS RANGE..., coz I STILL have 2 GO 2 WORK AND COOK ON VALENTINES DAY!!!

   wonders if people in the porn industry are ever "In the mood"?

   A text from my mate : "I'm guaranteed to shag the missus up the bum this weekend. She's dyslexic and think's it's Vaseline's Day."

   Just booked a table for me and the other half for tomorrow - f****** hope she's good at snooker lol?!!!!

   Uh oh! You ever send a naughty text to the wrong person on accident? Ooops! My mom is gonna be soooo shocked when she reads that one. That was some of my best work too!

   My ex-wife seems to think she is a female version of Nostradamus. Before the divorce she predicted that I was going to pay for it, that I would never find love again, and that my world as I know it was going to end... a year and half later I'm a belliever

   WHEN WE WERE KIDS, THE ICE CREAM MAN USE TO GO DOWN THE STREET RINGING THE BELL. WELL, WHEN THE HELL IS SOMEONE GOING TO GET THE MORNING "COFFE MAN" TRUCK DOWN MY STREET??? THEN IT WOULD BE NICE AROUND 5 IN THE AFTERNOON FOR THE "VODKA" TRUCK...DING DA DI

   wonders how we are so concerned with automobile safety (airbags, crumple zones, antilock brakes), yet some will jump on an open sled from the 1870's and go 90 mph down a channel without a second thought!

   England's oldest postman retired today after 40 years in the service. Friends and family lined up to wish him good luck in his retirement. He told them to go to the next window.

   staring at you...yes, you....the one reading this status....yeahh..hey there mistah mistah. ^-^

   thinking if they didnt Screw the fifth flame, the Olympic would be more interesting :D