Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just heard that there is snow on the ground somewhere in every state in the union except Hawaii. Global warming, you know. . .

   Happy New Year to all my Chinese friends, and those who just want a reason to party. With it coinciding with Valentines Day, I know of one professional golfer who is planning to celebrate the 14th & all year long. After all, it IS the Year of the Tiger!

   Hey look! I am invisible!

   "If you are Jordan, Wade, Garnett or Peyton, it worked. It don't work on Leroy." --- Charles Barkley

   "Have you ever noticed that Gatorade doesn't work on guys who suck?" --- Charles Barkley

   will always believe that cupid rhymes with stupid.

   I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

   - I am looking for my Valentine's Day Date on the Casual Encounters Section of Craigslist.

   a barbie girl in a barbie world.

   abstinance makes the church grow fondlers

   can't find a valentine even though I have gotten my bedwetting problem under control... what else do you lady's want from me... to watch lifetime with you???

   Women are like roads: the more curves they have,the more dangerous they are.

   - Ladies, you have Feb. 14th (Valentine's Day) - Not to worry Men, we have March 14th...If you don't know what March 14th is, Google it :)

   Love has its own time, its own season, its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coax it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you...

   Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you'll feed him for life. Give a octopus nunchuks and nobody's going to bother those fish again.

   Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

   I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exagerating!

   had a girlfriend with a wooden leg, until he broke it off!

   flipping channels and saw a girl I hooked up with about a year ago on the Maury show talking about she had only been with two guys and she was 100% he was the father of her baby. It was hilarious! I stopped laughing when Maury said you are not the father.