Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please dont poke me if you a guy...Thx!

   I saw a U.F.O at a football game the other night. It was just hangin there! And then it sent me a message,in big bright shiny letters. It told me I was gonna have a good year.

   Hey! It's called facebook, a social networking site, NOT faithbook, a cram your religious beliefs down my throat site. Hiding!

   A Foolish Man tells a Woman to "Shut Da Hell Up", but a Wise Man tells Her That her Mouth is Extremely Beautiful When Her Lips are Closed.

   Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic

   To my fb friends that are addicted to farmvillle or farmtown or whatever it is...If you didn't notice, I do not participate~ However if you feel the need to send me things, in my real world, I could use a mansion on the beach with 3 maids, 1 cook, at leas

   thinks the GOP's new nickname, the party of "No" is perfect....they have no ideas, no brains, no balls, no candidates worth a damn', and no history of success.

   Badder then your Ex and Better then your next

   How do you make a bunch of old ladies say "F*CK!". Shout "BINGO!".

   Tiger Woods and Toyota should team up for a comeback and their moto should be "I swear we can stop!"

   I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an a$$hole?"

   If men honestly answered the facebook question: What's on your mind? Facebook would be like a pornsite

   If men really wrote answered facebook question ; What's on your mind? Facebook would be like a pornsite

   I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

   I dont care what they say. I think my third nipple is very attractive.

   practise safe lunch, use a condiment!

   Men Fart more Than Women Simply Becasue Women Can't Shut Up Long Enough To Build Up The Required Pressure !!!

   Dear Lord You have taken away my favourite actoress britney Murphy favourite Singer Mj and my favourite spokesman billy mays I just wanna say my favourite singer is lil wayne

   believes that if you tellyour boss what you really thinkof him, the truth will set youfree.

   I've always wondered iffilm directors wake up screaming"CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" whenthey have nightmares.