Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A wise old man once told me, I'm a wise old man so I'm allowed to touch you in the bathing suit area. He taught me alot of things

   surprised that, during his press conference, Tiger didn't give thanks for being honored with the Enviromentalist of the Year Award. The one he recieved for picking up all that white trash.

   all the while Tiger Woods is thinking "Once again, the provebial excrement hits the oscillating air device. . . "

   So my buddys status said "Standing on the edge of a cliff." So I poked him. I don't really like him that much.... yeah you know who you are.

   Those candy necklaces are overrated because you end up with all that spit on your neck!!!

   just found out that Lindsey Vonn had her gold medal taken away by Obama. The reason is that he is going down hill faster than she did.

   *Breaking news*...Tiger woods has crashed his Cadillac into another tree at the dogleg right on his way to the news conference. In a show of bravery during Black History Month, O.J. has picked him up in a White Ford Bronco.

   going to Diseny World to play with my Make Believe friends

   wondering why if you can flash back to the past, why can't you flash foward to pay day?

   Just because you people don't have originality doesn't mean you have to hate on ours. Make your own status you freakin nazi's!

   what do you call a gay dinosaur? A mega saur-ass

   Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

   Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex? Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

   There is still no cure for the common birthday

   wonders if you ever wished your life had a System Restore... or maybe even just a Back Button?

   read that during his press conference today, Tiger Woods will not be taking any questions or phone numbers.

   thinks that the term “Beauty mark” is just a euphemism for freaky, hairy mole!

   Hey Friday, um....you're cool and all but...I'm really into your friend Saturday. We have way more fun together. Sorry :(

   heard that results of a new study finds that two-thirds of Americans believe that torture is sometimes justified. Ahhh, so that helps explain why The Bachelor is still on the air.

   watched the Olympic snowboard competition last night. Woke up with a sore back.