Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   pretty excited about coming on Facebook until he/she saw you were online.

   Enjoy life and don't think about it. There's nothing we can do but have fun with what time we have.

   Doesnt matter if you own a DSLR, that doesnt means you are a photographer.

   making a list of why you suck

   and always will be the man (most of you have to grow some before using this)

   waiting for you to log off so they can get back on chat and actually do something!

   The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least,that's what the restraining order says.

   Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

   just took the battery out of the smoke alarm because I think I might do some thinking tonight

   It's not an old movie if you haven't seen it.

   Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then-we elected them.

   Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything

   A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain

   Do I have to enforce bar rules on Facebook? No religion, no politics. I'd rather hear you talk about how you just put your kids down for a nap. Sheez!

   Pirate first aid: If the wound is smaller than your fist, drink rum. If it's larger than your fist, stuff a parrot in it.

   I saw all the Tiger Woods action figures are on clearance; I think they could sell more if it came with a White Trash Barbie

   Baby, I didn't mean it like that... Everybody knows Ho is short for Honey

   Dear Lord, in the past year you have taken my favorite actor, my favorite actress, my favorite singer and favorite salesman. I just wanted to let you know my favorite president is Barack Obama.

   STRESS:- The bodies natural physiological response to restraining oneself from strangling the living s#$t of someone who really deserves it. ahhhh gotta love my job!!! lol

   would never hit an elderly person... but old man winter is really pushing his luck!