Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   discovered today that playing dead only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, and NOT at important business meetings.

   If you ever want to see a man cry... Put a beer in one hand and a naked woman in the other... And... MAKE HIM CHOOSE!

   At the beginning of any relationship, every girl treats her boyfriend as "GOD." ... 'Later on somehow the alphabets get reversed!!!

   "Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools."

   sweating like a cat at a Chinese restaurant.

   Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There's apparently more traffic going to hell!!!

   feeling as sprightly today as Jim Morrison... or anyone else who has been dead for 30 years.

   wonders... do subliminal (send) messages (me) really (money) work?

   doesn't believe in superstition. It brings bad luck.

   Your friendship means so much to me that... When you cry...I cry. When you laugh... I laugh. When you jump out a window... I laugh some more.

   the cops just found a body with no brain, saggy boobs, dirty undies, and a food stamp card. I'm really worried..are you okay?

   I told my blonde sister I slept with a Brazilian man. My sister said," OMG, you're such a slut...how many is a brazillian?"

   When your cat suddenly runs out of the room at the speed of lightning, it was actually a failed ambush.

   , I asked my husband: "Do you want dinner?" My husband said, "Sure, what are my choices?" I said, "Yes or no."

   .not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every retard can read, but look at you go!

   writing a book. I've got all the pages numbered. Another productive Saturday night!

   If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto " ;D

   Does Red or White Wine go better with Swedish Fish?

   America is full...GO HOME!

   currently experiencing technical difficulties. Giving a sh*t will resume at a later time. Thank you.