Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   now that the Winter Olympics are over, the rest of the world can go back to forgetting that Canada even exists...like Luxembourg. Remember them either? Nope.

   I want a search engine that will tell me where my keys are.

   ...just got back from embarrassing himself in front of the Queen. She really doesn't have any idea what a "tea bag" is, and now I'm not allowed withing 1,000 meters of her...

   Canada sure has some "NICE BEAVER"

   you know, i've only ever been wrong once in my life, and that's when I thought I was wrong but was actually right.

   wants to find a woman but then has a beer and a nap and it makes everything right again

   heard Chile got hit by an earthquake. I had some chili the other day that hit me pretty hard, probably not an 8.8, but it was close.

   wonders what Pat Robertson will blame the Chile earthquake on.

   Happy 11 White History Months

   been trying to learn how to do the moonwalk. It isn't going very well, I feel all I'm doing is going backwards.

   as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room ful of rocking chairs.

   "the always enjoyable giant inflatable beaver?" Bob Costas, you have crossed the threshold of being completely insufferable.

   glad to hear that SeaWorld is reopening its "safer" shows this week featuring Norman, the Involuntary Manslaughter Whale.

   A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are.

   Sorry I burst into uncontrollable laughter at something you didn't remotely intend to be funny

   It takes 37 muscles to frown, 17 to smile...but only 3 to pull a trigger

   a snail without a shell naked or homeless?

   .2 muffins were in a hot oven, 1 said 2 the other, "its getting hot in here" and the other one shouted, "AHH! a talking muffin!"

   ...unreal gold medal hockey game...and a record breaking 14 Olympic golds....Canada is amazing..if we didn't have Nickelback we would be the best country in the world.

   says: "some girls are made of sugar and spice. MY GIRLS ARE MADE OF VODKA AND ICE!!"