Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   lying in bed with my wife and whispers in her ear, "Hey, how would you like to play a nice little game of rape?" Taken back by the question, she loudly says "NO!". I man replied, "That's the spirit!"

   "I guess when they asked me to get the horse bridled and mount her, I did something completely wrong"

   it is so cold outside, that even the guy at the gas station had a towel on his head!

   doesn't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   My laziness is becoming such a issue that I can't even be bothered hanging my clothes on my treadmill anymore

   Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

   The sign it Said wet floor, So I did.

   Today, I saw the commercial for the Snuggie. I still think it is stupid idea, but I couldn't change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn't want my arms to get cold…

   If adam and eve weree only people god made Wouldn't that mean we are all related?

   What does it mean when your lady wears a Cleveland Browns jersey to bed.......U aint gonna score!

   In a PBS world with a HBO mind...

   A wise man washes his hands after he pees...... A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands.

   Be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits!!

   a W.T.F. Moment!... If fast food is so unhealthy then why is McDonald's the sponsor of the Olympics???

   will give you advice now. If you are shopping for a gift for a child, do not buy Moon Sand. It doesn't matter if it costs $19.95 and comes in a brightly colored package, it's still WET SAND.

   If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?

   just heard that despite the universal success of the iPod and the iPhone; Apple will be releasing their next gadget EXCLUSIVELY for women... It will be called the iRon.

   On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?” To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

   Sometimes I wake up GRUMPY; other times I let her sleep.

   DNA: National Dyslexic Association