Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Recently, my Visa card was stolen. Now, it's 'everywhere I want to be'.

   I TOOK A DRUG TEST THE OTHER DAY AND THE TEST RESULTS CAME BACK NEGATIVE. WHICH MEANS MY DEALER HAS SOME F*CKING EXPLAINING TO DO...

   The police NEVER think it's as funny as I do!.(;

   Man can believe the impossible, but can never believe the improbable

   Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same

   I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth

   cigarettes are just like ferrets, perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire...

   somehow criminal lawyer seems slightly redundant

   come on now, you think Elin (Tiger's wife) would really walk away from all that money... She's not that crazy.

   out dealin w/ things way beyond his maturity level...

   Perfect day today... I think i'll go for a walk outside now, the summer sun's calling my name! I just can't stay inside all day! I gotta get out, get me some of those rays!

   next time someone asks you if you been working hard or hardly working put your hands around their neck, squeeze really tight and say breathing hard or hardly breathing!

   For English: Press 1, Para Espanol: Move to mexico...

   stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house but two people died...

   Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", think of another song you like and hum that instead......

   Wishing I was still in Grade School:( Miss taking naps in the middle of the day, snack time and recess. The part I miss the most is when you were bad, that hot middle aged Teacher spanked you with her wooden paddle.

   sometimes stops when walking into a store, waiting for the automatic doors to open. Then I realize they aren't automatic.

   it rude of me to ask the nice philipino girl at the new Comcast Call Center (in the phillipines) to transfer me back to America? She lied and said her name was Mary.. We all know her name was NOT Mary.

   Biggest Social Networking Crime: You haven't seen someone for years; you vaguely recognize their name but not their face. They add you as a friend on Facebook and then after you accept them, you never hear from them again.

   Facebook 101: Seriously, if you've got something to say to someone, say it to them DIRECTLY. Don't post it on your wall for everyone else to see because no one else is interested, and people will just think you're a egotist.