Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going to have you naked by the end of ths status

   asks Where Were You When the Republic Died?

   Be my Tom and I will be your Jerry.

   A bit of a Procrastanator, i've been meaning to put that as my status since last week!

   Irony: a fat guy at walmart getting his blood pressure checked with two big bags of doritos in his other hand:D

   really thinks that the best method for retaining a healthy, youthful look is probably still one of the oldest methods: bathing in the blood of virgins.

   ever notice that when a story starts out with "I swear that I'm not sh*tting you"...they ARE sh*tting you?

   I had to take my paycheck to the bank. It was too little to go all by itself.

   The truth hurts... and I don't carry band-aids...

   I was blown away when I realised the word ' OK ' is a side ways person,...

   I get worried when I see a pattern on my multiple choice sheet....

   My name is_____ and I can never find a key chain with my name on it...

   not been this broke since he went carol singing with the Tourettes Association

   I didn't change, I just grew up. You should try it sometime....

   I doubt, therefore I might be.

   [Status removed by Facebook as too explicit to broadcast]

   Am I the only one that found irony in Walmart having a whites sale this week?

   I stick my leg out of my covers when its hot, but then I feel unprotected.

   How come when old people get free health care it is called something nice like medicare, but when everybody gets it they call it communism?

   I just want to thank all the great people in the USA for electing such a great man like Barack Obama. Ever since he got elected there's been so much change. Facebook's layout got changed like 2 times!! Thats impressive!