Funny Status Messages

   Went to see Hot Tub Time Machine... turned out to be raunchy, simple-minded, sophomoric, crude, brainless, poorly executed slapstick. Yep, it was right in my wheelhouse.

   Inefficiency: Getting a letter in the mail saying a census is coming next week, then a census form a week later, then a postcard a week later saying a census came a week earlier.

   The bad news is that Tiger Woods and Jesse James admit to being sex addicts. The good news is that there's a club for that called The Rest of the World. They meet daily with other people with unique problems like "I work too hard for not enough money."

   At the end of each work day, I have a strong urge to sidekick the elevator down button, suppressed only by my desire to maintain employment

   I'm always caught a little off guard when an airport security checkpoint worker shows symptoms of having a personality.

   I wonder if tennis ballboys brag about their "gets" to each other. "You see that? I grabbed the $hit out of that ball! School's in session, boys. I am lightning!"

   Those 7 dwarfs mine 100 karat diamonds all day and still live in a $hitty little cottage. What the hell are they saving up for?

   Yes I know that "IMHO" means "In my humble opinion." In my humble opinion you are calling yourself a ho every time I read it.

   It said in the paper 'Sex pest wanted by Police', I rang up to see what the hours were

   I'm what you might call an "incurable romantic". Although that's not the term they use at the Free Clinic.

   Channel 5 just showed a graph of the "Top 5 Wettest Months", but surprisingly, the month 'New Moon' came out was not on the list.

   ur mama is so poor she runs after a garbage truck with shopping list

   Lindt have just released the CHOCOLATE COATED TAMPON..... (but only for the EASTER PERIOD)

   Don't you just hate how some ppl get all crazy over a movie???? Like they think there is real life vampires out there who just stay up all night watching you sleep

   If only I had alzheimer's , then I too could join the easter egg hunt. :(

   wonders why who jog regularly cannot get through the day without telling someone how far they ran? Notice they have to sneak it into the conversation or they'll burst

   i would punch you in the face. But you Don't even deserve that

   Get away from me! What am i? Flypaper for freaks?

   Heidi and Spencer have decided to change their names to something more native american WTF? She chose white wolf, he chose running bear. What?" was "Plastic Robot" and "mighty douche" already taken?

   If roses are red and violets are blue, then what colour is violet?