Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Clay Aiken & Ruben Studdard going on tour together.....unfortunately that isn't a April Fool's joke!!!

   One time a bird dropped some mac & cheese on my windshield. Initially I thought "Are you kidding me?!" but once I understood that this was in fact a magical dinner suggestion from God, all was right with the world once again.

   If you've already hit puberty & feel the need to wear a tiara for your birthday, I hope none of your dreams come true princess.

   f you reach into your pants pocket to get something & it takes more than 5 seconds to get it, you've succeeded at looking like a perverted jackass.

   I wish you could spray on gift wrap.

   Darn allergy season.. I'm getting really good at the sneezenpee dance today!

   The weather over here is terrible. Last night I dreamt it actually stopped raining. I love a good dry dream.

   When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.

   Going to go back in time and have sex with all the Golden Girls, and Angela Lansbery.

   Put a diaper on that mouth cuz you talk a lot of crap...

   They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

   I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

   In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

   Wishing all a Happy Easter, and hoping the Easter Bunny craps out a huge chocolate filled egg for you!-)

   I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, they were new to me.

   Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

   Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

   God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither pat our own backs nor kick ourselves too easily.

   Spell SWIMS upside down... this is going to blow your mind!

   When you think all the way back to being sperm, we are all winners.