Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scientists confirm diarrhea is hereditary, saying it "runs in your jeans."

   having a threesome with Ben and Jerry

   I wanted a good suit for a job interview. The missus said"Why don't you borrow the suit your dad wore at the funeral last week?" It really was a good suit, so I grabbed a shovel,headed for the graveyard and........

   its not team edward or Jacob its team necrophilliac or team beastiality

   The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

   My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

   A baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out.

   If you love to make your own homemade beef jerky, don't get a vanity tag for your vehicle that says "LUV2JERK." People will laugh at you.

   Time's running out if you want a chance at a Christmas / New Year baby.. I'm free for the next couple nights..

   I've managed to avoid around 50 April fools jokes this morning. However, I've now lost my job on the emergency sevices desk.

   I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who was wearing Uggs.

   The fire department does not appreciate being called to come fight an April Fool fire.

   It sucks when I decide something's not too hot for me to bring it across the room without an oven mitt, and finding out halfway there that I was wrong.

   Parents call it "Back Talk" we call it "explaining why their wrong"....

   Drinks only on days that start with "T".. Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Tonday, Tunday, Tednesday and Taturday.

   I'm fairly certain people are out there deliberately driving their cars around slow & aimlessly with the sole purpose of f*cking with me

   The other day I admitted that I saw both The Devil Wears Prada and Nanny Diaries in the same conversation. I should hand my penis right back to my parents.

   typed this status update with his big toe. Today's update was brought to you by Dr. Scholls.

   I feel like such a pansy when something hits my windshield & makes me flinch.

   The FBI warnings before movies on DVD still refer to videotapes. So basically, even the people who are paid to make sure this is on every DVD, don't read it either