Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   getting a 1 bedroom apartment and a cat in May. Or, as I like to call it, the "Serial Killer Starter Kit."

   Yes Officer...I did see the Speed Limit sign...I just didn't see YOU...

   A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?" "Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

   Gee! that lady from Operation Repo gets bigger with each repo :O

   Honestly, when I crawled out of bed this morning I had no intention of being brilliant, but sometimes things just work out!

   just wants to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!!

   You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born when completing on-line forms.

   A lot of people have made decisions about what I should do with my life; unfortunately, it hasn't worked out too well for them.

   asks for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I will beat them to death!

   out of bed ... waking up is another story ...

   Dear God, I've been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven't been mean at all, but I'm about to get up now and I may need your help :))))))

   No I don't need new shoes, I just want them!

   yes I do have a sence of humour and I have a certificate to prove it.... my marriage certificate!!!

   It's been announced that Nigeria has 22,980,000 internet users. I've received emails from every single one.

   's girlfriend was out playing golf and got hit between the 1st and 2nd holes. Doesn't leave much room for a Band-Aid

   If George Washington never told a lie...then how did he get elected?

   going to attempt to quad boot.... (Windows 7,OSX snow lepord, Ubuntu 10.04 and Chrome OS!) ...my poor laptop... I will format you back to just windows soon...

   We may lag behind the Chinese in math and science, but we are absolutely kicking their butts in the tattooed homewreckers category.

   Which is the best new slur for hipsters: Fauxhemian or Doucheoisie? I'm thinking Doucheoisie.

   I could never bring myself to kill....however, I do have a list of some pretty sweet hiding spots.