Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that I've stopped drinking I don't have much to look forward to but I have a lot more to look back on.

   My integrity is not for sale and won't be until it can fetch a better price.

   By the time you can afford a high definition television you no longer have the high definition eyesight necessary to enjoy it.

   You know you're getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.

   Homeless people are like the raccoons of metropolitan areas. Always coming out at night to route through your garbage can with their furry little faces and opposable thumbs.

   I saw a jug of 2% milk. I'd actually prefer the whole thing be milk.

   The international symbol for marriage is a white flag.

   Nice guys finish.... In the shower

   driving the Hummer on Earth Day!!

   first you want same sex marriage, what's next...same sex divorce

   Conserve water on earth day, drink more beer....

   Everytime she logs onto facebook she feels like she's reading people's diaries. Facebook should change its name to Dear Diary!!!

   but officer, the sign says "no shirt, no shoe, no service"...is says NOTHING about pants!

   Some people get so upset when you delete them from your fb friends list. What is the big deal it's not like we're real friends and hang out everyday.

   If you cant dazzle them with your brillance, baffle them with your bull sh!t

   The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..

   at work, online researching how to be more productive at work

   Happy Earth Day!! Time to plant all the greens burned 2 days ago.....

   wishing everyone a "Happy Earth Day", and is reminding you to keep our planet clean, it's not Uranis..

   Earth Day - Keeping Earth cleaning than Uranus...