Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If God is inside us, then I hope he likes enchiladas

     When did I realize I was God? Well I was praying, and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

   has been kidnapped by her bed, don't worry - should be able to break free in the morning ;)

   Why was the blonde angry when she got her driver's license? Because she couldn't believe she had an F in sex.

   Lady in labor, shouting the usual sh!t, “Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!” She turns to her boyfriend and says, “You did this to me, you f&cker!” He casually replies, “If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your a$$, but you said, ‘f&c

   According to legend, the only way to appease the volcano in Iceland is to sacrifice Miley Cyrus & Justin Bieber.

   Hard math problem. Studies have shown that the people who solve this usually have an IQ of 120 or more. If 2+3=10, 6+5=66, 7+9=112, 12+8=240 then.. 14+3=?

   If I had a nickel for every time I ignored your Facebook request I'd have enough to buy a real farm.

   accidentally turned off his facebook anti crap filter and was scared by the amount of quizzes, farm, fairyland, mafia and virtual f&cking cupcake crap you people post, if it wasn't for facebook purity I would delete alot of you

   Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

   facebook – Never letting you forget any of the douchebags you've fuct

   My Craigslist hooker turned out to be a man. It has been over an hour and he won't take a hint to leave. He can keep my 200 bucks. This was a poor idea.

   I'm addicted to cold turkey and I don't know how to quit it.

   is the natural alternative to paracetamol and vodka....yes ladies you heard it here first LOL

   I can't wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.

   I think, therefore I am overqualified.

   In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.

   "We are upping our standards... so up yours!"

   added my friend Jamal as a neighbour on Farmville yesterday.I logged on this morning to find that all my chickens had been stolen and he'd opened up a KFC

   entering the doors of a chinease buffet and a little kid said, "daddy, I think I just heard a dog bark."