Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember the good old days before reality tv when you actually needed talent to be a celiberty. Hey Spencer and Heidi, I'm looking in your direction! And lets not forget you Mss Tequila!

   What did all these desperate people do to get laid before the internet?

   My Dad is taking ownership of my phone for a day so if you could refrain from sending me texts like "F&ck me gently with a chainsaw"(2:30am) then that would be fantastic

   I'm not your knight in shining armor.... I'm more like a jackass covered in aluminum foil

   Peter Griffin doesn't look so stupid now with his volcano insurance.

   My friend just introduced me to a Money Making Scheme that guarantees a 100% payout. It's called a job.

   I should have taken the red pill. Damn.

   Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb

   You know what really gets on my nerves? Skin.

   used to be an aethist. Then I found out I am God....

   Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"...

   I was injured tap dancing. Broke my ankle when I fell into the sink.

   Every time I step on my scale, it reads ERR. I think it's trying to change the subject.

   What's the right age to tell a highway he was adopted? Wont be long til he realizes he doesn't look anything like me

   Mary had a little lamb the doctor fainted

   no one asked you what you think but its nice to know that you do!

   -- People often offer me incentives to quit smoking such as ......"Think of all the money you'd save".........Surely that'd just be the money i'd need to survive my longer life ?...

   Still in bed, the kid asked me to come downstairs... said he wanted to show me something "totally awesome." If it's not a bacon tower, I'm gonna be pissed.

   if a funeral possession is at night, do people drive with their lights off???

   "Gaga" = A Form Of Dodge Ball ..... Lady Gaga = Lesbian ..... Lesbian = Literally Dodges Balls ... Coincedence ? ... I think Not !