Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to refer to celebrity relationships with huge age differences like speeding tickets, Ex: Hef is currently doing 84 in a 20

   I was just asked to touch base with a female co-worker on a project. I hope it's 2nd base...

   Vodka is made from potatoes. Which means once upon a time, someone looked a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius!

   eyjafjallajokull? that's honestly more of a drunk status update than a volcano.

   Support your local record store today, because you can't roll a joint on a download b*tches.

   I'd be lying if I said I didn't like Nickelback. I'd also be lying if I said I'd be lying if said I didn't like Nickelback.

   How can this census data be relevant when it doesn't ask whether I have a Palm Pre or an iPhone?

   want to know if sex toy manufacturers have product testers?

   when we see the rainbow in the sky is it because this is the time for gay people to celebrate their queerness

   What do you call 3 old ladies at a baseball game with a bottle of whisky? Bottom of the 5th and the bags are loaded!

   Unless life hands you water and sugar.. Your lemonade is gonna suck...

   Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

   txted my GF while partying in Vegas saying "Hi Huney,iam enjoying alot ,wish you were her", after that I realised what a spelling mistake could do.

   Yes, but keep copies." -- When my secretary asked me if she should destroy files that were over ten years old.

   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

   Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.

   Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife

   I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

   The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public :-)

   had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."