Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you're a single 30 yr old male living alone in a 1 bedroom apartment, despite your past, you should go ahead & add your name to the sex offender registry for future reference.

   today is 4-20! ...like I had to tell you... sit back .relax. and show some love :)

   I wonder how many bongs I can collect before my mother figures out they're not vases?

   Why are there so many words coming out of you in such a short period of time?

   gathering Volcanic Ash to throw at you

   its been so long since i'v had sex, I have forgotten who ties up whom

   I found out that if you have an annoying song stuck in your head that you want to forget, listen to Don't Stop Believing by Journey and it go away. REALLY!!

   Happy National Weed Day!!! CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET A BONG???

   thinks Larry King has used up 8 of his 9 wives....

   Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 50 cents.

   thinks it's funny when people say listen to the birds singing. The birds aren't singing, they are saying "I'm horny! Come screw me!!"

   Happy National Weed Day!!!

   Whenever Uncle Eyjafjallajokull would say, "Kids! Pull my finger!" We were smart enough to ignore him. Is there a lesson here Iceland?

   Would you like to go down for a midnight snack?

   If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off

   Decided to make "eyjafjallajökull" my safe word.

   once my kid learned how to read I had to explain why all his Christmas presents said 'Made in China'

   If you think chocolate is better than sex,you really need to find that special someone. If you have already met someone special and STILL believe it,i seriously need to know what kind of chocolate you're eating!

   Skilled workers are hard to find. That's why idiots are promoted to management.

   the interviewer asked him, if he failed college would he have committed suicide, he said he would rather kill himself than doing something that terrible