Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't get drunk .. I get AWESOME!!

   I know what Cinco de Mayo is, I just don't know when it is.

   thinks facebook needs a "who cares" button

   I LOVE it when people that I don't like friend request me on Facebook, I feel like St. Peter --- DE-NIED! Ü

   ...reminds you that today is Administrative Professionals Day and Hump Day, but it is NOT Hump Your Administrative Assistant Day...

   skinny genes...

   so happy it's finally Hump Day! Oh, and I'm pretty excited it's Wednesday too.

   Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?(A} Almost Boobs {B} Barely there {C} Can't Complain! (D) Dang! (DD) Double Dang! (F) Fake. (G) Get a Reduction. (H)Help me, I've fallen and I can't g

   Yo momma's so fat that when she was cremated,all the flights in Europe got cancelled.

   Hav you heard of the new drug doctors r giving to depressed lesbians??..its called TRYDICAGAIN!!

   I wonder why I always feel like I have to press the Enter Key really hard and noisy??

   What's the difference between Cheryl Cole and the Icelandic volcano? The volcano's still blowing ash.

   bought some sea sickness tablets for my holiday. On the side of the box, under the list of possible side effects: 'May cause nausea' - yeah thanks for that!

   go on google,type why are a' and look at the first and fifth results in the auto fill

   put a clock in the freezer with the attempt to freeze time. Attempt FAILED! Ughh...

   some old man is claiming Oprah is his daughter.... I think she should atleast interview him on her show. Not because he's her alleged father but because he's a black man admitting he's the baby daddy!

   no keys were harmed in the making of this status quote.

   friends don't let friends drink with Ben Roethlisberger.

   saw the geico gecko cutting the allstate agent's brake lines, talk about cutting out the middle man.

   Evidently that good Samaritan bullsh*t doesn't apply when you help an old lady cross the street on the hood of your car.