Funny Status Messages
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Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie. His new catchphrase? “I’ll be back....with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.” 
friend: wyd? me: working friend: and wyd after? me: sleeping for work tomorrow
Her: What did you do for fun in college? Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high
me: what makes you angry pirate: when someone steals my p
Now it makes sense why the White House refuses to co-operate with the trial.
I can never remember if my best foot is supposed to go forward or in my mouth.
Only in a Volkswagen bus does it take 20 extra minutes to get gas after being stopped by people who wanted to reminisce about their Glory Days!
Remember, if you tell people who you voted for, it won’t come true
My kids are so aware that I'm a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.
You know you're a classic VW owner if your friends always ask to borrow tools when you stop by because they know you're carrying them with you.
When I die, please don’t do an autopsy. Whatever happened is fine.
Saw a great movie about fishing. reel good cast.
Nobody Ask you For More Favors Than.... The Cops! Hey Buddy Do Me A Favor.. #StepOutTheVehicle Do Me A Favor.. #TurnAroundFaceTheCar Do Me A Favor.. #PutYourHandsBehindUrBack
What did Sushi-A say to Sushi-B? Wasabi.
Every Final Destination movie ending: Death wins, everyone who survived the accident in the beginning, dies.
Took my phone to the men's room once-didn't realize I was streaming live..
Selling scotch during a prohibition is whiskey business.
Why did the Galaxy Karaoke phone fail? It always played the Samsung over and over again.
My math teacher called me average. How mean! 